Thursday, June 3, 2010

The Unknowns and Today

I've never, ever been good at the unknown. I just don't like it. I like to plan things and then no matter how often the plans may change it doesn't matter because in my mind I knew what was coming, even if it didn't happen that way. A sneak attack change of plans is okay with me. Having no plans. That's a nightmare. This is the first time I can recall in my life that I have no idea what's comin'. I know what I want to happen, but I just can't see it happening or plan accordingly how to end up there.

So many unknowns. Oh, the unknowns. They keep me up at night. How do I let go of the unknown? How do I maintain faith that our family will end up where we're supposed to be and that we will be okay - no, more than okay, happy and at peace - with where we end up? There is no true life insurance for those things.

Right now we have no idea which direction our life is headed. We don't know when we should try for another baby. We don't know if we should stay in our house. I have no clue how long I'll be home with Max or what my next career move should/will be. We're uncertain as to whether or not we should stay in the Bay Area and when a big move like that would take place.

So. I'm choosing to focus on today. Today I cuddled with my precious son, had lunch with Ritchie and another mommy friend, her husband and their sweet baby girl, and tried to stay on top of housework and television programs (both equally important). Today, I was happy. I KNOW that tomorrow we have our home, food, and hopefully our health and happiness as well. I suppose that's all I can do. Because I want to enjoy this time home with Max and not spend it pent up with stress about what the future may or may not bring. Because nothing is a guarantee. We could have millions in the bank, live in a mansion, and have a freaking chauffeur and there would still be unknowns and things to worry about. Today, I will remember that. For now I leave with a quote that is what I'm continuing to focus on:

With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

1 comment:

Tammy Warta said...

i totally feel you on this right now, J. Love you - keep your head up and cuddle your baby!

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