As We Wait...

We should be licensed for foster care any day now. Once licensed, we should have a child in our home within a few weeks, at the very most a few months. The waiting is sort of hard, sort of not. Fostering is this whole tricky new world that, six months ago, I never thought I'd experience.

In truth? I'm nervous. I'm excited, yes. But, mostly nervous. Here are the things I've been worrying over while I'm in this period of waiting.

1. I'm worried that Crosby will feel jealous of losing attention. Don't we always worry about our kids when a new one is coming around? And, I worry about Crosby more because he's never had a new child come into the family like the other two have. Plus, he's my baby and gets 99% of my attention when he's awake.

2. I worry that I'll be stretched too thin. Not only are we bringing in a 4th child, but we're bringing in a 4th child that doesn't have established trust or a bond with us. We'll have to work extra hard to establish routines and follow through with every little thing because we don't have her implied trust that comes with birth. I guess I imagine a child that cries a whole lot and is confused and anxious and I also have three boys who need love and guidance and time and energy. Will I be able to do it all?! So scary to me.

3. I'm worried that it will be obvious that I didn't give birth to her and people will comment about how I just HAD to have a girl because I have the three boys and that my boys will hear that and feel inadequate or like they weren't enough. Or that she'll hear and think that we only want her because she's a girl. I feel so judged for this decision already and there's not even the visual reminder for everyone yet.

4. Mostly, I worry about loving her too much. I know that sounds crazy. But I fear that I'll love her like my own and she'll go back to her birth family and I'll be destroyed. And, if I'm destroyed, what will happen to my children? Will I still be able to be there for them? This fear plagues me the most. I'm keeping a VERY open mind and trying to keep the perspective that she is simply not ours. She has a mommy and daddy who love her and need some help and we're helping by loving her while they get better. It's SO easy to talk about, very hard to practice I imagine.

There's more, but I'll stop now because I realize that this isn't the most uplifting post. When we do welcome her to our family, I will post pictures of her, but have decided not to show her face in pictures for our family's protection. I am also not allowed to share her name, so we'll be using a nickname or simply calling her by her first initial in public. If you know us well and know her name PLEASE never comment using her name. It's a true safety issue as bio families are typically local and sometimes try to find the children the state has removed from them and take them back. I'll update as much as I'm able, but will keep specifics private.

It should be an exciting month for us! I can't wait to see where this journey takes us.

Here We Go Again...

Do you want to hear something really embarrassing about me? A psychic once said I would marry a good man, the one I was with (which was Ritchie) and that we would soon buy our first home (which we did) and that we would have 3 children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. Because the first two things happened pretty soon after his predictions, I naturally believed the third one to be true as well. When we found out Ben was a boy, I knew right then that was all part of the "plan". We had two boys and would adopt a girl and be done! Wow! Psychics really can predict the future!

Fast forward 2 years. We're in the adoption process and then BAM. Pregnant. A third biological child. Psychics make for terrible birth control. Okay, so we'll have 4 kids! No big deal! On with the plan with one minor hiccup. 

Fast forward 7 months. We decide to move to Washington. We knew this would alter our adoption plans to some degree. We'd have to redo our home study (which we'd have to do when Crosby was born anyway) and Ritchie took a significant pay cut when we moved, so saving money to continue the adoption would be slower. 

Fast forward 2 months. Crosby is born and we find out he has a heart condition. We don't know what the next year looks like for him and we're scared and overwhelmed and all we know is we definitely cannot handle two small children with medical needs. We change our adoption medical profile to be a girl who also has a minor heart condition, which keeps us on track for adoption but extends our time to be matched by 12-18 months. 

Fast forward one year. Crosby is one. He has had no changes in his condition and hasn't required surgery. Once he reached the one year mark, his chances for needing surgery immediately went down. We're also understanding and more comfortable with what it looks and feels like to have a child with a medical need. Once you get past the shock, it feels more manageable to us. I start really having the desire to complete our adoption. 

Conversations begin to open up again. Ritchie and I both have the heart for adoption, we always have. We'd both LOVE to welcome another child (a girl, because, frankly, there's enough boys around here) into our family. The problem now is that we'd need to come up with over $20,000 to complete our adoption. We could do that, but it would take a few years and put a lot of other financial goals on hold. 

We've discussed other avenues of adoption before and nothing ever felt quite right to us until now. Very recently we opened the discussion again of fostering to adopt. I've reached out to other families doing this in our community and have heard some amazing stories and felt really inspired. Ritchie immediately opened up to this idea and, last week, we turned in our application to be licensed for fostering and adopting locally. 

There are many, many, amazing things about fostering. Opening your home to children in need of love and support during a frightening time is rewarding and teaches our own children about community and compassion. That said, this journey will not be without struggles. I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses here. I'm mentally preparing myself for the largest devastation my heart has ever endured. My biggest fear is falling in love with a child and then having to give her back to her birth mom/dad/grandparent. This will likely happen. A good foster parent IS attached to their foster child and has a child attach to them as well. This is part of the process.  It may happen a few times before we're placed with a child whose parents will have their rights terminated so that we can adopt. 

This will not be easy. So many logistics. Parent visits, phone calls, readjusting to a new child, then saying goodbye, then welcoming another one. We're open to newborns, so we're facing sleepless nights again. Tons and tons of unknowns. We will not know that the little girl we have will be ours forever until the courts finalize everything. Up until that last minute, it could always change. 

There's all of that, yes. HOWEVER, I hold out hope that one day we WILL adopt a girl who needs a family and our family will be complete and all of that heartache and headache and pain and hoop jumping will be 100% worth it. I know that ultimately we will not regret one moment of this decision. 

And so... here we go again. This life, 3 boys and foster care and adopting locally and maybe even an open adoption. This was all NOTHING I had ever dreamed of. And certainly the psychic never saw this coming! But, here we are. I'll update more as I know more, but for now we're just working on getting licensed. We should be done by September and welcoming our first placement of a little girl up to three years of age by the end of this year. 

For now, we hang on tight and enjoy the ride. And we stop trusting psychics.