Monday, July 6, 2015

As We Wait...

We should be licensed for foster care any day now. Once licensed, we should have a child in our home within a few weeks, at the very most a few months. The waiting is sort of hard, sort of not. Fostering is this whole tricky new world that, six months ago, I never thought I'd experience.

In truth? I'm nervous. I'm excited, yes. But, mostly nervous. Here are the things I've been worrying over while I'm in this period of waiting.

1. I'm worried that Crosby will feel jealous of losing attention. Don't we always worry about our kids when a new one is coming around? And, I worry about Crosby more because he's never had a new child come into the family like the other two have. Plus, he's my baby and gets 99% of my attention when he's awake.

2. I worry that I'll be stretched too thin. Not only are we bringing in a 4th child, but we're bringing in a 4th child that doesn't have established trust or a bond with us. We'll have to work extra hard to establish routines and follow through with every little thing because we don't have her implied trust that comes with birth. I guess I imagine a child that cries a whole lot and is confused and anxious and I also have three boys who need love and guidance and time and energy. Will I be able to do it all?! So scary to me.

3. I'm worried that it will be obvious that I didn't give birth to her and people will comment about how I just HAD to have a girl because I have the three boys and that my boys will hear that and feel inadequate or like they weren't enough. Or that she'll hear and think that we only want her because she's a girl. I feel so judged for this decision already and there's not even the visual reminder for everyone yet.

4. Mostly, I worry about loving her too much. I know that sounds crazy. But I fear that I'll love her like my own and she'll go back to her birth family and I'll be destroyed. And, if I'm destroyed, what will happen to my children? Will I still be able to be there for them? This fear plagues me the most. I'm keeping a VERY open mind and trying to keep the perspective that she is simply not ours. She has a mommy and daddy who love her and need some help and we're helping by loving her while they get better. It's SO easy to talk about, very hard to practice I imagine.

There's more, but I'll stop now because I realize that this isn't the most uplifting post. When we do welcome her to our family, I will post pictures of her, but have decided not to show her face in pictures for our family's protection. I am also not allowed to share her name, so we'll be using a nickname or simply calling her by her first initial in public. If you know us well and know her name PLEASE never comment using her name. It's a true safety issue as bio families are typically local and sometimes try to find the children the state has removed from them and take them back. I'll update as much as I'm able, but will keep specifics private.

It should be an exciting month for us! I can't wait to see where this journey takes us.

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