Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Brain Dump

It's 8:14 AM on a Wednesday. I should be facilitating readying my children to take Max to preschool, packing lunch, helping the kids share. But, I need to write.

Just a little dumping of the brain in hopes that it won't keep spinning today if I do this:

Disclaimer: This is all jumbled and just a free flow of what comes out. Sorry.

What does it say about me that I'd be in heaven just to have ONE day to sit on my ass, eat microwaved smore's, watch trashy TV and just waste the day away? Am I lazy? Unproductive? Normal? This won't happen (until all of my children are in school at least, then IT'S ON) for a very long time. But, just the fact that this is something I desire leaves me wondering about my own integrity. Integrity? Yeesh. That seems a big word for this topic. Oh well.

These next 15+ months will be the longest of my life. I cannot accurately depict what it's like to know you have a daughter but have no idea who she is, what she's been/is going through or when exactly you'll hold her in your arms. And, furthermore, when you FINALLY reach that blissful moment where you CAN hold her, you'll be filled with the realization that you're actually just a stranger to her. Ripping her away from everyone/thing she's ever known. Bonding will take time, it could be years even. See, I think the waiting is the hardest part and I guess I'm afraid that I really have no idea how hard all of this will be.

I worry that my sons might hate each other. How do I foster a loving sibling relationship amongst two such different beings? I'm SO TIRED of saying things like, "I know it's hard to share..." I just want to scream, "JUST SHARE YOUR DAMN TOYS!!" I don't. The look on their faces would immediately make me want to crawl under a rock, but seriously. The sharing? Does it mean they hate each other? Maybe I should shove them into one t-shirt and call it a day.

I'm an open book and I'm beginning to wonder if that just doesn't fare well with... socializing. I'm trying to be social, but really I wonder if I have what it takes. I get nervous and over share. Or I just am an over-sharer in general? Also, I'm messy. I guess I feel sometimes like, "Why would anyone like me?" Come on over to my incredibly messy home and let me talk your ear off. Sounds SUPER fun for others. But, I NEED to be social, too. As hard and uncomfortable as it is for me at times, if I'm cooped up in all my antisocial glory, it never ends well.

Marriage is insanely hard sometimes. I mean, think about it. You've decided to enter into THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with ONE person? I'm sure Ritchie is fully sick of my talking non-stop and the messes I leave. Yesterday, he commented on the number of smore's I've consumed in the past week. I'm sick of him snoring, putting his dirty socks in the shoe basket (Babe, that's NOT the laundry basket) and NOT wanting to talk all night long. We're in this weird place. I'm home, with close to no adult interaction and he's interacting with others ALL DAY LONG. At the end of the day, we need different things. All I can say is, compromise. Or, as Ritchie likes to put it, "both feeling just a little bit miserable". He may be right about that one (but don't tell him that!)

Disclaimer: My marriage is fine. We love each other and all that. But, that doesn't make it EASY. And, that's okay. Maybe that means we're doing it right.

Okay, that concludes my rambling. We'll be late for preschool. That's also okay. I'm so over trying to be "perfect". I'm just not. Is this what happens in your 30s? You realize that maybe you're just YOU and learn how to love that? I hope so.

And here:

Because I read somewhere that you should never have a blog post without a picture. 


Heidi DiJulio said...

I'm in same boat! Fairly new town with very few friends (who ALL work!), and a husband who spends all day interacting with people. Don't get me wrong: I love my son, I love my husband, and I'm grateful to be able stay home. But sometimes it's just so damn hard!
You're totally normal. You're doing it all right. Eat more s'mores.

LJ said...

You make my day better just by saying that out loud!! I love you for it! All of those things go through my head almost DAILY. Eat more S'mores. Seriously.

Bambino by the Bay said...

Where can I get these s'mores?? clearly, I am missing out! i think we all feel like you do sometimes...

Christine said...

Sometimes we wait to hear (or read) someone say all the things we feel. Thanks for being our voice! And I agree, keep eating those s'mores, & if you're judged by DH just have him stay w/ the kids for an entire day....I'm sure he'll never judge again ;)

Unknown said...

I'm smiling because I've been having a similar day (minus the adoption process part). I feel your pain ~ I feel your frustration ~ I'm sick of making Logan share and saying things like " we don't spit on our friends or wrestle with kids we don't know at the park", I'm tired of getting into battles with a 3 year old over watching television, and I'm ready to sell my husband on e-bay (in the most loving way of course).

Love you lady. You're not alone.

PS - coming to your messy house and listening to you talk sounds fabulous ;)

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