What I Read: July and August 2015

Astonish Me

A look inside the life of professional ballerinas. The competition, the lifestyle, and what happens when you don't make it in that world. I found it to be slow paced (but enjoyable!) at first, and then towards the end I was riveted. It took a turn I wasn't expecting and I really enjoyed the complexities of the story. 

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

This is a check off the classics challenge for me! And I LOVED IT! I'm not going to say what this book was about, but I finally sort of get the world of you Potter lovers and I think I can see myself getting into this series finally! 

Inside the O'Briens

One of the best books I've read in a while! A man is diagnosed with Huntington's disease and his four children must decide whether to get the test that tells them whether or not they will get this disease later in life. All while they watch their father deteriorate and their mother try to keep it together through it all. Dark, sad, moving, and ultimately it still felt triumphant. I LOVED this book. 

Reading Challenge Part 2

I want to keep up this momentum! I really loved having a reading goal last year BUT I also felt like I needed to pick quick reads and books that wouldn't really challenge me or take time because I was trying to read SO many books. This year I wanted to take the opposite approach. I've chosen to read classics, books that are always on the "must read before you die" lists. Books that are talked about in literary circles and books that I feel like EVERYONE else has read but me. These books also happen to be books I've been putting off forever. For this reason, I gave myself one book per month. 12 classics to get through for the year. I won't go in any order, I'll just choose what I feel like for that month. Here is the list:

1. To Kill A Mockingbird
2. Anne of Green Gables
3. Little Women
4. Harry Potter
5. The Stand
6. The Poisonwood Bible
7. Kite Runner
8. 1984
9. The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
10. The Book Thief
11. The Diary of Anne Frank
12. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Many might think this is an easy list or challenge. For them, it might be! My comfort in reading really lies in a story that is gripping and pulls you through and often involves romance. Some of these might be that! I have no idea. But I think most of them will be a challenge for me. I know for at least 6 of them (half!) I've already tried reading them and couldn't finish. So, yes... this will be hard for me.

I'm looking forward to it!

As We Wait...

We should be licensed for foster care any day now. Once licensed, we should have a child in our home within a few weeks, at the very most a few months. The waiting is sort of hard, sort of not. Fostering is this whole tricky new world that, six months ago, I never thought I'd experience.

In truth? I'm nervous. I'm excited, yes. But, mostly nervous. Here are the things I've been worrying over while I'm in this period of waiting.

1. I'm worried that Crosby will feel jealous of losing attention. Don't we always worry about our kids when a new one is coming around? And, I worry about Crosby more because he's never had a new child come into the family like the other two have. Plus, he's my baby and gets 99% of my attention when he's awake.

2. I worry that I'll be stretched too thin. Not only are we bringing in a 4th child, but we're bringing in a 4th child that doesn't have established trust or a bond with us. We'll have to work extra hard to establish routines and follow through with every little thing because we don't have her implied trust that comes with birth. I guess I imagine a child that cries a whole lot and is confused and anxious and I also have three boys who need love and guidance and time and energy. Will I be able to do it all?! So scary to me.

3. I'm worried that it will be obvious that I didn't give birth to her and people will comment about how I just HAD to have a girl because I have the three boys and that my boys will hear that and feel inadequate or like they weren't enough. Or that she'll hear and think that we only want her because she's a girl. I feel so judged for this decision already and there's not even the visual reminder for everyone yet.

4. Mostly, I worry about loving her too much. I know that sounds crazy. But I fear that I'll love her like my own and she'll go back to her birth family and I'll be destroyed. And, if I'm destroyed, what will happen to my children? Will I still be able to be there for them? This fear plagues me the most. I'm keeping a VERY open mind and trying to keep the perspective that she is simply not ours. She has a mommy and daddy who love her and need some help and we're helping by loving her while they get better. It's SO easy to talk about, very hard to practice I imagine.

There's more, but I'll stop now because I realize that this isn't the most uplifting post. When we do welcome her to our family, I will post pictures of her, but have decided not to show her face in pictures for our family's protection. I am also not allowed to share her name, so we'll be using a nickname or simply calling her by her first initial in public. If you know us well and know her name PLEASE never comment using her name. It's a true safety issue as bio families are typically local and sometimes try to find the children the state has removed from them and take them back. I'll update as much as I'm able, but will keep specifics private.

It should be an exciting month for us! I can't wait to see where this journey takes us.

My Top 10 Challenge Reads

I read some awesome books in the challenge and have even added a few to my ALL TIME favorite list. Below are my top 10 and a little bit about why I loved them:

(These are not ordered from least to greatest or whichever, but rather in the order that I read them within the challenge) 

The Rosie Project 

A love story about a man with asperger's trying to find his ideal mate. Instead, he befriends the wild and daring Rosie, who does not at all fit his profile of an ideal mate. This book was a feel good book and I love those. I love a good love story and this one delivers. 

Me Before You

I ALWAYS recommend this book to people. And I've never had anyone come back and say they hated it. Just be warned.... you will need tissues and a whole lot of them. This is NOT a feel good story. This is a gut wrenching tear jerker that will leave you wishing you were still reading it, as odd as that sounds. You will LOVE it. It's controversial but still a love story at its core. Just... read it. 

Still Alice

Many people watched this movie and liked it. Well, as usual, the book is SO much better. I didn't even like the movie because I didn't think it did the emotions in the book justice. This book portrays Alice, who is diagnosed with early onset alzheimer's disease. Her and her family's emotions are raw and tangible in the story. As you can imagine, it's another tear jerker. I like to FEEL things when I read. I have another Lisa Genova book on hold for me at library and I can't wait to check that out soon! 

The Sea of Tranquility

Oh this book. I LOVED this book so very much. I think it's the only teen fiction on my top 10 list, which makes me feel a little bit better. Honestly, I think I've hyped this book up in my mind too much to really talk about it fairly. I fear people will read this book after hearing me talk about it and think, "why does she love this book so much?" But, I did love it. It's another love story, but it just had a weird impact on me. I loved the characters and was rooting for them and on the edge of my seat the whole time. 

We Need to Talk About Kevin

Okay, this one is NOT a love story or a feel good story in any way, shape or form. But, this book spoke to me in so many ways. It's the story of a woman writing letters to her husband trying to make sense of her life and the events leading up to her son killing several students and a teacher at his high school. With all of the school violence in today's world, this book is a bit like a punch to the gut and hits very close to home. I wanted to begin homeschooling immediately after reading this, but that's not a new idea of mine (I won't, because I recognize that fear is a terrible reason to homeschool). Anyway, this book is devastating but still important and VERY well done. 

Everything I Never Told You

This was the first book I had ever really listened to and enjoyed. It's a slow story, but so REAL and I felt like it quietly snuck up on me. It's the story of a family whose daughter goes missing and they both go back in time and reevaluate their parenting and life prior to her disappearance and try to put themselves back together afterwards. It's just a beautiful story of what you make of your life and how to pick up the pieces after tragedy strikes. This book made my all time favorite list. 

This is Where I Leave You

Lest you think I only read tear jerkers or love stories, this book is neither. It was hilarious though and a bit misogynistic, which for some reason, didn't bother me one bit. A man is called to sit shiva with his family that he rarely sees in his childhood home which he never visits immediately after he discovers his wife is having an affair with his boss. And, it does get worse. Or better if you enjoy reading about a train wreck as much as I do. I just love a sarcastic book that says things I think but don't think I'm allowed to actually say. This book was that. Plus, the scene where he actually FINDS his wife sleeping with his boss is truly worth reading the whole book. I laughed so hard, I cried. Damn! I guess this book did make me cry. 

Tattoos on the Heart

A non fiction on my list! I also listened to this one and would highly recommend listening to it over reading it. The author is also the narrator and, in this case, I think that makes all of the difference. It's the author, Gregory Boyle's, experience working with gang members in LA. He's the pioneer of "Homeboy Industries" which is a company that hires ex gang members and helps keep them off of the streets and employed. His heart and love for this community is admirable and I left this book wanting to be a better person. It made me both laugh and cry. A winner. 

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

This is a graphic novel, which basically means it's a comic book. But, it's a comic book about the author's experience with her parents aging, being put into a home, and eventually passing away. You wouldn't think it would be so funny, but it really is. It's also REAL. Another example of saying the things you don't think you should say, but everyone is thinking it. It also made me have a conversation about aging and health care and our household belongings and my own parents' aging and so many other important topics that just aren't that fun to talk about. Roz Chast does talk about all of these issues in a relatable and even comical way. Very well done and easily one of my top 5 reads of this year. 

The Light Between Oceans

Grab the tissues for this one, too! Never mind, tissues won't help. Maybe just be prepared to change your clothes and might as well hop in the shower because you're going to need to just let the tears flow down the drain while you wash your sorrow away. And then you'll want to make sure to talk about this book with someone who's read it. Because it's SO freaking good. You'll want to talk to random strangers about how good this book was. You won't, for fear that you'll start uncontrollably sobbing in front of a STRANGER, but you'll want to. The story of a couple who is unable to have children when a baby washes up on the shore of their tiny island. The story plays out the consequences of their decision of what to do about this little girl and also tell the story of a marriage at odds and the pain and longing for children in the life of a couple who cannot bear them. If you struggle with infertility or reading about pregnancy loss (both early in pregnancy AND later) is a trigger for you, you might want to avoid this story. Overall, though, it's haunting and beautiful and tragic all at once. One of my top books of all time. 

That's it!! Happy reading :) I'll be back soon to talk about my goals for the next 52 weeks. I also promise to blog about other stuff at some point. I have big thoughts about foster care/adoption and my kids deserve an update as well - they're growing and changing SO much! Thanks for reading and following my challenge. I felt cheered on the whole year! 

Challenge Completed!

I finished my challenge!! I'm SO freaking excited. Especially because I felt like it was quite the undertaking and I'm not known for finishing challenges. But, I really did it. I read a book a week for an entire year. And, in that year, we've bought a house, moved, painted every room in that house, and completed all of the requirements for a foster care license. Yes, I'm patting my own back.  I wish I had a cookie I could give myself.

My goal was really just to READ again. I used to read, a little bit. Maybe a book a month or so... sometimes less, never more. But I wanted to fall in love with reading and really become a READER. I've realized what type of book really grabs me, which types challenge me and when to give up and just put a book down never to pick it up again. But mostly, I just love reading now. I love talking about books and planning my next library trips and getting lost in a great story. I definitely watch less TV now (although TV watching is still a very large part of my life, not going to lie...) and I find I feel more relaxed because I take the time to SIT or be in the bathtub and just be present with a book and not have my phone nearby or anyone else around to talk to. It's peaceful.

I'm still thinking about my goals for this upcoming year. I think rather than a number, I'll make a specific list that I make sure I complete because my one complaint with this challenge was that I often didn't push myself to read something out of my comfort zone because the goal was to just READ and completing one book a week didn't lend to many slower paced books. I still haven't read the Harry Potter series (I can't get through book one - what is my problem? What am I missing? I'm stuck on page 100 or so...) and I've never read "Anne of Green Gables" or "Little Women" and I'd like to reread "To Kill A Mockingbird" (I think maybe I read it in high school?). Anyway, I'll have to come up with something to keep the momentum going!

Here is the list of all 52 books I read during this challenge in order:

1. Where’d You Go Bernadette?
2. Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day
3. The Rosie Project
4. We Were Liars
5. Me Before You 
6. Wonder
7. Eleanor & Park
8. Insurgent
9. Room
10. Attachments
11. Still Alice
12. Delancey 
13. The All-Girl Filling Station's Last Reunion 
14. The Farm 
15. The Husband’s Secret 
16. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime 
17. Sea of Tranquility 
18. Station Eleven 
19. Bossypants 
20. The Fever 
21. We Need to Talk About Kevin 
22. Christmas Jars
23. Christmas Jars: A Reunion 
24. The Impossible Lives of Greta Wells 
25. Everything I Never Told You 
26. Outlander
27. The Children Act 
28. The Book of Unknown Americans 
29. Not That Kind of Girl 
30. Big Little Lies 
31. I’ll Give You the Sun 
32. All the Light We Cannot See 
33. Defending Jacob 
34. The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie
35. This is Where I Leave You 
36. Tattoos on the Heart 
37. Reconstructing Amelia 
38. Leaving Time 
39. The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry 
40. A Little Life 
41. Brain on Fire
42. A Child Called It
43. Can’t We Talk About Something More Pleasant? 
44. The Lost Boy 
45. The Light Between Oceans 
46. The Silent Wife 
47. Dark Places 
48. The Selection 
49. The Elite 
50. The One 
51. Our Souls at Night 
52. Food 

Tomorrow I'll come back and tell you my top 10 favorite books from the challenge!

What I Read: June

The Selection

The Elite 

The One

Holy cow, I was talking to my friend Sharlie who is an avid reader and trying to get ideas for books I could read QUICKLY because I had 4 weeks to read 5 books to finish my challenge. She mentioned the Selection series and so I began.... 5 days and 3 books later I came up for air. I swear, I didn't look up from these books for a solid 5 days. Ridiculous. It's the Bachelor meets The Hunger Games. Fabulous. Teen fiction, so don't expect something extraordinarily well written and you're golden. Also, don't expect to be productive for one full week. 

Our Souls at Night 

I listened to this book while cleaning for a preschool party I threw. It's SUPER short. 3.5 hours, I think? Perfect when you're reading in a rush. In all seriousness, this book was lovely. It's a bit slow paced but well written and full of life. An elderly woman asks her neighbor to come and sleep with her at night. Not sex, but talking and hand holding and companionship. They're both widowed and living in a small town and the story is both the result of this proposition as well as the intertwining of their pasts. I thought it was really well done. 

Food

As of about 10 minutes ago, I finished this book and therefore completed my year long challenge of reading 52 books in 52 weeks. This was book number 52. We're seeing Jim Gaffigan live in a few weeks and I've been wanting to read this book. It was great. I laughed out loud a lot and my kids always would find me laughing and join in because I was reading "the book about the man who married a hot dog".  Definitely worth a read! 

AND I'M DONE!! I have so much more to say about this challenge, including my top 10 books that I read in the past year as well as what I gained from reading so much. 

What I Read: May

Brain on Fire

This is a memoir written by a girl who began having extreme symptoms that led people to believe she was losing her mind. She writes about her experience going through this and how she found her way out of it by reviewing her father's journals, notes from the doctors, discussions with others and her own chicken scratch writing during this time. It was a quick read and sort of interesting... I didn't appreciate the writing style and ultimately I got tired of the same things being repeated (not that that's the writer's fault - it was just that her symptoms kept repeating themselves). Anyway, not my favorite. 

A Child Called It

This was a re-read for me (I read it probably 10 years ago) and an important one as we enter the foster care world. Heartbreaking and maddening and overwhelming. This book has always stuck with me, and will continue to do so. A must read for everyone. 

The Lost Boy

The sequel to "A Child Called It" about Dave Pelzer's experience in foster care. This gave me some wonderful insight into a child's perspective within the system. There are some really amazing homes and people out there doing some wonderful work with kids like Dave. It's inspiring. 

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

This was the book club selection for May and I have to say I didn't know it was a comic book. Apparently that's what a graphic novel is? I had no idea. You learn something new every day, I tell you! Anyway, I LOVED this book. I would say it's one of my favorites from this year so far for sure. It's Roz Chast's experience with her parents growing old and ultimately passing, but told in such a relatable and funny way. In a way that makes it OK to talk about this very hard topic. I loved it and would recommend it to anyone! 

The Light Between Oceans

I picked up this book months ago and couldn't get past page 18 or so... but my BFF kept telling me that I HAD to fight through the first 50 pages so I did. And HOLY MOLY I loved this book. It's one of my all time favorites now. The story of a woman and her husband who have suffered many miscarriages and are unable to have a baby and what they do when a baby washes up on their tiny island with nobody to claim her. Such a huge moral debate with this story and I can't wait to discuss it with my book club in a few months! 

The Silent Wife

A woman who is in a long term relationship (20 plus years - so common law marriage) who's husband is a chronic cheater and ultimately leaves the marriage and how she copes and gets revenge. I sort of hated this book. It just fell short for me, but I know that many people like it so I think it might just be me! 

Dark Places

I sort of hated this book. It was just too dark. I don't know what I was expecting with Gillian Flynn being the author and DARK being in the title. I knew it wouldn't be bunnies and unicorns. But did it have to be so twisted, Gillian?? Anyway, if you like super dark and twisted, then go right ahead with this one! 

I'm down to 3 weeks left in the challenge and 5 books left!! UGH! Be prepared for many fluff books in June so I can get through this! 

What I Read: April

The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry

Ritchie and I listened to this on the way to CA in the car. Such a cute story! Not one of my favorite books of all time, but definitely a cute read (or listen! We loved the narrator). 

A Little Life 

The rest of the month of April was spent on this beast. This 700 some odd page book didn't feel as long as it was. It's not a quick read, but the story definitely pulls you through. This book is FULL of possible triggers. If sexual abuse, trauma, cutting, suicide or just general fucked up ness bothers you, then DO NOT READ THIS BOOK. It's heavy on ALL of these topics. That's all I'm going to say because too much more would give it all away. It's moving and thought provoking and is a true testament to love and strength under the most impossible of circumstances. 

Here We Go Again...

Do you want to hear something really embarrassing about me? A psychic once said I would marry a good man, the one I was with (which was Ritchie) and that we would soon buy our first home (which we did) and that we would have 3 children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. Because the first two things happened pretty soon after his predictions, I naturally believed the third one to be true as well. When we found out Ben was a boy, I knew right then that was all part of the "plan". We had two boys and would adopt a girl and be done! Wow! Psychics really can predict the future!

Fast forward 2 years. We're in the adoption process and then BAM. Pregnant. A third biological child. Psychics make for terrible birth control. Okay, so we'll have 4 kids! No big deal! On with the plan with one minor hiccup. 

Fast forward 7 months. We decide to move to Washington. We knew this would alter our adoption plans to some degree. We'd have to redo our home study (which we'd have to do when Crosby was born anyway) and Ritchie took a significant pay cut when we moved, so saving money to continue the adoption would be slower. 

Fast forward 2 months. Crosby is born and we find out he has a heart condition. We don't know what the next year looks like for him and we're scared and overwhelmed and all we know is we definitely cannot handle two small children with medical needs. We change our adoption medical profile to be a girl who also has a minor heart condition, which keeps us on track for adoption but extends our time to be matched by 12-18 months. 

Fast forward one year. Crosby is one. He has had no changes in his condition and hasn't required surgery. Once he reached the one year mark, his chances for needing surgery immediately went down. We're also understanding and more comfortable with what it looks and feels like to have a child with a medical need. Once you get past the shock, it feels more manageable to us. I start really having the desire to complete our adoption. 

Conversations begin to open up again. Ritchie and I both have the heart for adoption, we always have. We'd both LOVE to welcome another child (a girl, because, frankly, there's enough boys around here) into our family. The problem now is that we'd need to come up with over $20,000 to complete our adoption. We could do that, but it would take a few years and put a lot of other financial goals on hold. 

We've discussed other avenues of adoption before and nothing ever felt quite right to us until now. Very recently we opened the discussion again of fostering to adopt. I've reached out to other families doing this in our community and have heard some amazing stories and felt really inspired. Ritchie immediately opened up to this idea and, last week, we turned in our application to be licensed for fostering and adopting locally. 

There are many, many, amazing things about fostering. Opening your home to children in need of love and support during a frightening time is rewarding and teaches our own children about community and compassion. That said, this journey will not be without struggles. I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses here. I'm mentally preparing myself for the largest devastation my heart has ever endured. My biggest fear is falling in love with a child and then having to give her back to her birth mom/dad/grandparent. This will likely happen. A good foster parent IS attached to their foster child and has a child attach to them as well. This is part of the process.  It may happen a few times before we're placed with a child whose parents will have their rights terminated so that we can adopt. 

This will not be easy. So many logistics. Parent visits, phone calls, readjusting to a new child, then saying goodbye, then welcoming another one. We're open to newborns, so we're facing sleepless nights again. Tons and tons of unknowns. We will not know that the little girl we have will be ours forever until the courts finalize everything. Up until that last minute, it could always change. 

There's all of that, yes. HOWEVER, I hold out hope that one day we WILL adopt a girl who needs a family and our family will be complete and all of that heartache and headache and pain and hoop jumping will be 100% worth it. I know that ultimately we will not regret one moment of this decision. 

And so... here we go again. This life, 3 boys and foster care and adopting locally and maybe even an open adoption. This was all NOTHING I had ever dreamed of. And certainly the psychic never saw this coming! But, here we are. I'll update more as I know more, but for now we're just working on getting licensed. We should be done by September and welcoming our first placement of a little girl up to three years of age by the end of this year. 

For now, we hang on tight and enjoy the ride. And we stop trusting psychics. 

Crosby is ONE

Our cute baby turned ONE a few weeks ago. What can I say about this unexpected joy that we have in our life?



Okay, first let me tell you about the day! We took the boys to a kangaroo farm and got to see a ton of awesome animals and have a lot of interactions with them. It was a really cool experience.



The big boys got most of the action that day since Crosby was in the carrier, but he did LOVE looking at the animals and got to touch a kangaroo and a mule.



After lunch and nap we took the kids to Build-A-Bear, which is a tradition for us on each first birthday. The kids all still have their animals from when they turned one. Crosby chose the "Thin Mint Bear" which was pretty ridiculous, but it was the only one he got excited about.





Then we had dinner and cake and called it a day! It was SO much fun celebrating as a family of 5.





Crosby is the funniest little guy. He's energetic and stubborn and determined. He scoots along with one hand a leg all day long, opening cabinets, pulling out toys and snacks and racing to get to splash in the dog water. He LOVES to be around his brothers and isn't intimidated by them in any way. He holds his own. He's pulling himself up more and more, but I do think he'll be our latest walker and predict he'll start around 16 months. He's our strongest communicator for this age. He says, "dada, mama, ni-ni (night night), ball, uh-oh, and whoa" he signs for "more" and "all done" but mostly just grunts and stares and points until we cave and give him more or clean him up :) Sadly, he is NOT a smuggler, but he does give the world's best kisses. He loves animals, including his stuffed animals. He showers them with more affection than any human. He's about 21 pounds now and is the tiniest of our children for his age. His heart has remained unchanged since birth which is great for us! We get to just keep waiting to do anything more about it, and for now, I'll take that!

I never pictured my life with three boys, and Crosby was nowhere in our plans, but I'm SO freaking happy that life doesn't usually go according to my plans. Crosby is a gift to our family and we all love him SO SO SO much!



Happiest of birthdays to you, my sweet boy.

What I Read: March

Tattoos on the Heart

I listened to this through Audible and the author was the narrator. It was an AMAZING listen. I highly recommend listening to it. The author is a minister and it's very religious, but even if that's not your thing, don't let it put you off. His work with gang members in Los Angeles is important and makes anyone want to move forward in life with a more compassionate heart. 

Reconstructing Amelia

This was a YA book about a girl who dies and her mother seeks out why/how because she doesn't believe the results of the initial investigation on her daughter's death. I liked how the story wove itself together and it was a quick, easy mystery read if you're ever in the mood for that sort of thing! 

Leaving Time

This was my book club book for the month. I've read a lot of Jodi Picoult and have always really loved the way she tells stories and this book was no exception! Such a great read and with a surprising element of elephant grief that I didn't expect to like, but really did. 

Yikes, I think I'm officially behind with my reading again! March was redo the kitchen month so reading got pushed a bit. Time to pick up speed! 

Kitchen Reveal Part 1

I say part one because there's still a bit more to do, but that won't be done for awhile so until then... here's the NEW(ish) kitchen! 

First let's look at what we were dealing with just 3 short weeks ago... 

Here is what the kitchen looks like today: 

First I tackled painting everything white. Then we did the ardex countertops on the main sink/prep area. Next we tackled the buffet area. Lastly, we hired someone to do the subway tile and Ritchie put on the hardware. The whole process took about 3.5 weeks and we still have a few things left to do. We need to replace the island countertops with butcher block, get different dining chairs and hang a bamboo shade for the window. 

The transformation is HUGE in this space. I can't even believe that a month ago the kitchen was an ugly oak kitchen with blue laminate counters. I'm thrilled with the change and the kitchen is definitely my favorite room in the house now!