We have a DAUGHTER!

We received LOA today which is a letter of approval from the CCCWA in China saying they approve the adoption of our daughter. This is a HUGE step and puts us 8-10 weeks away from traveling. And, now I am able to share some info (and a picture!) of our sweet girl! But, first... a long story :)

We started the adoption process over three years ago. Adopting from China has always been on my heart, but the adoption needs there have changed. This is a good thing! Back when I first decided (in high school) that I wanted to adopt a girl from China, girls were being abandoned by families so they could try again for a boy, keeping with the one child per household restriction. China's laws have progressed and, thankfully, that is just not happening anymore. So, when we began exploring Chinese adoption, we knew we'd adopt from their special needs program. Medical care in China is expensive and without insurances to help, if your child is born with a medical need that you can't afford to care for, you're left with few options.  Back when we began, I felt in my gut that we were to have a daughter with cleft lip and palate. We had taken some classes about the varying special needs that Chinese children frequently had, and clefts seemed the "manageable" choice. Plus, I fell in love with a few babies online with their cute little cleft lipped smiles and I felt pretty sure one of those special smiles was in my future. So, we set our medical profile to a baby girl, less than 3 with a cleft lip and palate or a very minor heart condition (meaning one that would not require surgery) and we waited. The wait for a child that matches that "profile" is about 2 years.

Fast forward a little over a year and Crosby is born with a heart condition. You all know the story, we decide that adoption, at least for now, is off the table. We never pulled out of the program though, we simply removed the cleft lip and palate option and now were left with only minor heart conditions, for which the wait is significantly longer... so long in fact that we had virtually zero chance of ever being called on. Which, at that time, was what we needed.

Fast forward two years. Crosby is two, we're back on the adoption track! We had considered so many variables that led us right back to our path of a child with a cleft lip and palate from China. So, we added that back to our checklist and started getting ourselves current with our home study and immigration so that we could be matched! They keep your spot in line, so we were first and ready to go as soon as we were current on everything.

Now, the medical checklist does have a need listed as moderate/major heart conditions. We had never been open to that need. In the classes, there were several things about the heart discussed and, honestly, most of it scared the bejeezus out of me. Tetralogy of Fallot was one that I specifically remember being like... "ooooh no, that sounds really scary".

Can you guess where I'm going with this?

It had been 3 years since we'd taken those classes, and I had not thought any further about any of those needs since. We had decided on cleft lip and palate. BUT, as we began saving money, doing our home study, and preparing to be matched this time around, I bean having dreams. Well, not dreams I guess, just WORDS. Three little words coming to me over and over again in my sleep. TETRALOGY OF FALLOT. This happened for over a week before I worked up the nerve to talk to Ritchie about it. Ritchie has always been up for adoption, but it's my dream, not his. I didn't want to add to it or make it more challenging or scary than it already is. But, the words. They were calling to me. Crosby had a cardiology appointment coming soon so we decided not to change the medical checklist yet, but to ask our cardiologist about the major heart conditions that China typically sees in their children (I had gotten a short list from our agency), including Tetralogy of Fallot.

There was one specific condition that she warned was pretty complex, but other than that we left feeling pretty confident that we were now open to moderate/major heart conditions. It's crazy to think we didn't consider it at first because A. Crosby has what is considered a major heart condition and 2. we have a children's cardiologist and are already in that world!

Anyway, so we added that to the checklist and finished up everything we needed to. The words in my sleep had stopped, but in my gut I knew we'd have a daughter with a heart condition, specifically Tetralogy of Fallot. Now, we still kept cleft lip and palate on our checklist and were told several times by our agency that is was more likely we'd be called about a child with a cleft than a child with a heart condition, they just see more of those. So, I did some diligent research and made sure we remained open to cleft lip/palate, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that, after those words, TETRALOGY OF FALLOT sinking their way into my mind and heart, I was hoping for a baby girl with just that.

Fast forward to Tuesday, June 28th. WE GET THE CALL. I see the (303) area code pop up (our agency is in CO) and I promptly freak out and run around my living room in circles. "Guess what happened at CCAI today?" Cue tears. I was shaking and trying so hard just to hear EVERYTHING she was telling me about my girl. I knew this was her. Before she even said it. But she did say it. "She has something called Hexalogy of Fallot, which is basically Tetralogy of Fallot but with two more things added to it." What my heart did in that moment.... well, I can't even tell you. I already knew, but then I KNEW. (Wanted to add that we have since had her records looked at by two different drs, one who specializes in internationally adopted children, and Crosby's cardiologist. Both have confirmed that she just has standard Tetralogy of Fallot. They have no idea where this hexalogy business comes from. This is common with translations of files... it's easy to change things a bit through translation).

So, what can I tell you about our girl? She's currently 15 months old. Her birthday is 5 days after Crosby's, so they're 1 year and 5 days apart in age. She began WALKING at 13 months which makes her my youngest walker to date! The Dr's say her development and growth are all right on target which is quite impressive for a child who is both in an orphanage and has a pretty major heart condition. Basically, our daughter is amazing. She says mama and baba (which is what they commonly say for Dada). We've seen a video of her where a child tries to take a snack from her hand and she promptly screams, tears it away from them, and then is happy as a clam. So... she's got some spunk. She is very attached to her ayi (nanny) and loves to be held and cuddled which is heartbreaking because they will be separated, but a very good sign in terms of her ability to attach well to others.  She had her first surgery for her heart in May and we're still getting more information about that, but we have heard that she recovered well and it was deemed a success, so now we just wait on the actual records of the surgery to be reported. She may need one surgery once home or later in life, she may not. A lot will depend on what they did in China for her. Other than that, she will just be a normal girl. Running, jumping, playing, etc.. she'll have checkups every 6 months just like Crosby. Our two little heart babies.

I'm showing a picture, so I'm not going to give her Chinese name or location. The Chinese give two names and hers mean "of language and culture" and "hibiscus" like the Hawaiian flower. We will keep a portion of her Chinese name as her middle name.

We think there's never been a more perfect girl. To be so in love with someone you've never met but is out there just waiting in a foreign country is the wildest thing. We're coming for you, June! We LOVE you!

Longing for my Daughter

After our move to Washington and Crosby's birth, I felt myself begin to sink. I tried to float - hell, I tried to SWIM through the tough currents of life but I have felt, for two years, off and on, like I'm being PULLED beneath the surface, barely able to keep my head above water enough to breathe. It's an awful feeling. I have tried to search and figure out what it was that kept me in this state. We've struggled financially since the move, with Ritchie taking a large pay cut to move us out here (a small sacrifice we thought for all of the potential opportunity here -jobs in tech were hard to come by in Denver). Then we had Crosby, and got his aortic stenosis diagnoses. A feeling I can't ever explain and I wouldn't wish on anyone. The pain of hearing that something is WRONG with your child. We've been SO fortunate that his condition has remained stable and we haven't had to do anything surgical yet. It's coming, but I feel so much more equipped two years in than I did days after his birth. With Crosby's diagnoses came a big life change of deciding to put off (or just not complete at all) our adoption. We didn't think we could handle two children with medical conditions. We also found ourselves unable to fund it with the income loss and sudden medical bills (we received ALL of our prenatal bills at once from Colorado and it was a SHOCK - throw in a birth and heart condition bills and we were flat broke).

I simply chalked it up to fate and tried to let go of the dream of parenting a girl. But I couldn't. It kept coming back to me. We still couldn't afford it, though. A little over a year later, we became licensed foster parents and we've taken a few short term placements to feel it out. Something about it doesn't feel right for us. I wish I could explain that better, but I'm not sure I can. It's a feeling, a gut intuition, that foster care is not the right path for us. With that realization, I felt the water overflow right over my head. Air GONE. That's the only way I can describe it. Pain, no air, feeling weak and stupid because I HAVE THREE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL BOYS AND SHOULDN'T I BE THANKFUL FOR WHAT I HAVE WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

My desire to have a daughter is very real. It's not something I have been able to just work past. Ritchie and I brainstormed and budgeted and searched and talked and tried to figure out the best path for me to fulfill this desire and it wasn't until we came right back to the adoption from China of a little girl with a cleft lip and palate that I felt... PEACE. My head came fully out of the water. I felt more present with my children, happier with my husband, my life seemed to make sense again. It's like I hadn't been able to reconcile that loss of something I never even had and finally I realized that I hadn't come to terms with just not having a daughter. What's even bigger is I realized that these feelings, this desire, is worth fighting for. It's worth the costs, the paperwork, the adding more to our family's plate, etc... because in my gut, and more importantly IN MY HEART, I know this is right for our family.

I was meant to have a daughter from China. I've always felt this IN MY BONES. Like, there's a piece of me IN China. It's the most bizarre thing. If someone else said that and I hadn't experienced it first hand, I would be so judgmental. Like, weird voodoo magic hippy crap that isn't real, right? It feels so real, it's almost unbelievable to ME and I'm the one feeling it.

Anyway, we're working on it. We're working on bringing our girl home. It's a bit of a process still because we have to redo some paperwork (a lot of thing expire after a year and we're THREE years in now) and, most importantly, gather some funds. But, we're going to DO this. And I cannot wait.

Here We Go Again...

Do you want to hear something really embarrassing about me? A psychic once said I would marry a good man, the one I was with (which was Ritchie) and that we would soon buy our first home (which we did) and that we would have 3 children, 2 biological and 1 adopted. Because the first two things happened pretty soon after his predictions, I naturally believed the third one to be true as well. When we found out Ben was a boy, I knew right then that was all part of the "plan". We had two boys and would adopt a girl and be done! Wow! Psychics really can predict the future!

Fast forward 2 years. We're in the adoption process and then BAM. Pregnant. A third biological child. Psychics make for terrible birth control. Okay, so we'll have 4 kids! No big deal! On with the plan with one minor hiccup. 

Fast forward 7 months. We decide to move to Washington. We knew this would alter our adoption plans to some degree. We'd have to redo our home study (which we'd have to do when Crosby was born anyway) and Ritchie took a significant pay cut when we moved, so saving money to continue the adoption would be slower. 

Fast forward 2 months. Crosby is born and we find out he has a heart condition. We don't know what the next year looks like for him and we're scared and overwhelmed and all we know is we definitely cannot handle two small children with medical needs. We change our adoption medical profile to be a girl who also has a minor heart condition, which keeps us on track for adoption but extends our time to be matched by 12-18 months. 

Fast forward one year. Crosby is one. He has had no changes in his condition and hasn't required surgery. Once he reached the one year mark, his chances for needing surgery immediately went down. We're also understanding and more comfortable with what it looks and feels like to have a child with a medical need. Once you get past the shock, it feels more manageable to us. I start really having the desire to complete our adoption. 

Conversations begin to open up again. Ritchie and I both have the heart for adoption, we always have. We'd both LOVE to welcome another child (a girl, because, frankly, there's enough boys around here) into our family. The problem now is that we'd need to come up with over $20,000 to complete our adoption. We could do that, but it would take a few years and put a lot of other financial goals on hold. 

We've discussed other avenues of adoption before and nothing ever felt quite right to us until now. Very recently we opened the discussion again of fostering to adopt. I've reached out to other families doing this in our community and have heard some amazing stories and felt really inspired. Ritchie immediately opened up to this idea and, last week, we turned in our application to be licensed for fostering and adopting locally. 

There are many, many, amazing things about fostering. Opening your home to children in need of love and support during a frightening time is rewarding and teaches our own children about community and compassion. That said, this journey will not be without struggles. I'm not wearing my rose colored glasses here. I'm mentally preparing myself for the largest devastation my heart has ever endured. My biggest fear is falling in love with a child and then having to give her back to her birth mom/dad/grandparent. This will likely happen. A good foster parent IS attached to their foster child and has a child attach to them as well. This is part of the process.  It may happen a few times before we're placed with a child whose parents will have their rights terminated so that we can adopt. 

This will not be easy. So many logistics. Parent visits, phone calls, readjusting to a new child, then saying goodbye, then welcoming another one. We're open to newborns, so we're facing sleepless nights again. Tons and tons of unknowns. We will not know that the little girl we have will be ours forever until the courts finalize everything. Up until that last minute, it could always change. 

There's all of that, yes. HOWEVER, I hold out hope that one day we WILL adopt a girl who needs a family and our family will be complete and all of that heartache and headache and pain and hoop jumping will be 100% worth it. I know that ultimately we will not regret one moment of this decision. 

And so... here we go again. This life, 3 boys and foster care and adopting locally and maybe even an open adoption. This was all NOTHING I had ever dreamed of. And certainly the psychic never saw this coming! But, here we are. I'll update more as I know more, but for now we're just working on getting licensed. We should be done by September and welcoming our first placement of a little girl up to three years of age by the end of this year. 

For now, we hang on tight and enjoy the ride. And we stop trusting psychics. 

Bennett at 3 and a Half Years

Bennett turned 3.5 last month and I've been reflecting more and more on where each boy is at in their development and I so miss recording it. Poor Crosby has literally had nothing documented of his first year. In any case, I want to keep up at least every 6 months with where they're at. So, here's what I know about Bennett right now and some of my favorite pictures of him from the past 6 months.





Bennett is SUCH a three year old. Happy one minute, melting down the next. He has a whine that sounds to me like nails on a chalkboard. I'm pretty bad at just giving him WHATEVER it takes to stop that sound immediately. Bad mom, I know. When he's happy though? He will light up your life.



He's sweet and snuggly and easy going. He loves to play with trains, legos, "shooters" (ugh), balls, tinker toys, the matching game, Sequence, Jenga, Go Fish, puzzles and books. He loves being read to and really enjoys getting new books from the library. His favorite thing is probably dressing up in costumes. He mostly prefers to be Elsa or anything that involves a dress. I think he's the most beautiful princess.



I love that he's fully his own person. He's not easily influenced by what others want to do or play with. He just wants what he wants and he's not afraid to express that. He LOVES being around others and playing with friends, but if they're not doing what he wants, that's fine, too - he'll do it anyway! He's learning to share with his baby brother, a task proving much harder than it seems :)





He's tracing larger letters (ones that take up a whole page) and can recognize some numbers but not many letters yet. He loves to do "school work" as long as I don't help him or ask him any questions. So.... basically I'm choosing not to worry terribly about what he knows or doesn't know. I figure he'll get there eventually. He can count to 13 without help and his 1:1 correspondence with counting is up to about 5. He's dressing himself with ease now with the exception of his socks and shoes.





It would be a marvelous thing to report full potty trained status but alas, I cannot. He can pee in the potty without assistance, but he's still pooping in his pants. Again, I'm trying to remember that he will get there. Bennett cannot be pushed into something he doesn't want to do. He's stubborn and self-assured. Bribing isn't working.



Bennett likes to change his clothes about 6 times a day and prefers pajamas to all other clothing choices. But, he also likes to accessorize sometimes. Hats, scarves, gloves. He enjoys them all.



He has enjoyed gymnastics and is looking forward to soccer in the spring. He LOVES preschool and always looks forward to going.





He's adventurous. He'll try pretty much anything once. He may never do it again after that, but he's always game to try. He does try to keep up with Max in regards to sports and physical activity and in most cases, he can easily keep up. He's a very physical child and needs to exert his energy daily. Sometimes this means at bedtime he's going crazy and jumping and climbing because he didn't get it out earlier. Whoops!



The child will eat ANYTHING. He's not picky, although lately he's shown much more preference for certain foods (toast, cereal with milk, fruits, chicken and rice, etc..) as opposed to just eating whatever I give him. He's a pretty adventurous eater and will try anything once. He likes spicy food and hummus and things that Max won't touch.

A terrible photo for its quality, BUT this is my boy on Christmas morning. Pure joy.

I really GET Ben. He's completely my child. Looks like me, acts like me. It's easy for me to empathize with ALL of those big emotions because I have them, too. This makes the relationship between Ben and me pretty easy. I don't raise my voice or lose my temper as often with him. He brings out the patient side of me (well, most of the time - I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny).



He'll say his best friend is Kira and he's been hugging and kissing Crosby A LOT lately. He tells me he loves me and says he needs a hug often. He's starting to not want kisses anymore (thanks a lot, Max!) but I sneak them in and he doesn't seem to mind. He loves to help, sit on my lap and be by my side.


I'll leave you with my favorite photo from the past 6 months. A Daddy and his boys. Bennett kissing him. Bennett, giving love. That's how I always think of him, so this is the perfect last image.

Ben is treasured in our family and I often think he'll be the link for the bond between his brothers. Because, I believe, anyone can get along with Ben. He's just so likable. And loving. He provides something in our family that is irreplaceable and I hope he feels loved and valued every single day.

Crosby at 8 Months

Poor, sweet third child. I just realized yesterday that I didn't even save the outfit that I brought him home from the hospital in. Nor can I remember which outfit it was. Whoops. I suppose therapy makes you a better person. 

I'm going to briefly cover months 4, 5, 6 and 7 because we are now past the 8th month mark and I can barely remember anything. 

Month 4:

Crosby started tripod sitting! He also was sleep trained this month and began going from nursing approximately 12 times a night to just once. I'm now a much happier mother. Crosby also officially rolls at this point and will not stay on his back for anything, including sleep. He's lucky he's my third child because I'm not nearly as nervous about this as I would have been with Maxton. 

Look at that cute baby. That's what we call him. Cute baby. Like... why won't cute baby stop crying? And, what shall we give cute baby for dinner tonight? 

Month 5:

I believe this is when we embarked on solids. Also, full time sitting! Tummy time and being put down ever is not enjoyable for Crosby at this age. Also, this was the time that we discovered that he wasn't really gaining weight. He also didn't love to eat solids, so that wasn't especially helpful. Lots of stress and worry about his heart since weight loss or no weight gain is a sign of trouble. He had no other signs of concerns at that point, but still. WORRY. You don't generally worry about things as much with each child (or I don't anyway) but when your baby has something that you haven't experienced with all of your other children, you worry like he's your first. Anyway, lots of weight checks and Dr visits and waiting and trying to feed him solids that he gags and vomits from. But we're still sleeping and sitting and having to hold him all the live long day. 

Rosy cheeked and darling. 

Sitting! 

Month 6:

Crosby remembered that eating all night long was glorious and fattening him up so he went back to waking frequently. I was feeling so stressed about his weight gain that I couldn't let him cry so I fed him every time he woke. That quickly spiraled into about every 1.5-2 hours. My timing is fuzzy on this though... I think this went on for about a month? Anyway, he was checked and he had lost weight right before all of this happened so I just know I was down to feed him whenever. We also started baby led weaning for feeding since he blatantly prefers to feed himself. He'll now eat beans and peas and rice and bananas and avocados and all sorts of things as long as he is in charge of putting them in his mouth. The inability to put him down is now in full force. I carry him ALL DAY LONG. I chant things like, "the days are long, the years are short" and, "he's my third.. I know this won't be like this forever" and, "one day I'll wish for this back" while I try to hold it together. Not putting a baby down ever is pretty much exhausting. But so is listening to him scream if I attempt anything without holding him, so usually I just hold him or sit next to him while he plays. Thank God he naps well. Two naps, one around 9 am for 1.5-3 hours and another one around 1pm for another 1.5-3 hours, depending on the day. He's starting to get up on all fours and scoot backwards. He's REALLY good at watching Christmas movies with me. 

This is because I'm not holding him. 

It got worse because I continued to not hold him. 

This one is because he likes to make a liar out of me. 

7 Months:

He had his heart checked and it was FINE! Well, not fine, but not any worse than usual, so YAY! His lack of fattiness was not due to his heart. AND, he had gained 1/2 a pound. It was a great day. So, we went back to sleep training and now he's back to just one feeding a night. We keep upping the solids and I feed him very frequently during his waking hours. He's trying really hard to army crawl and he squeaks and babbles and makes loud noises almost constantly. He's our loudest child and that is really saying something. 

Picking his pumpkins. 

Eating his broccoli! He LOVES broccoli! 

We don't call him cute baby for no reason. 

This is a picture of him being very very loud. Can't you hear him? He's saying, "fuggedabout it...."

Hot damn, I love this kid. Before I put him in bed I cradle him and sing to him and he is so calm and sweet and gurgles little baby loves at me and I think it's not possible to love someone as much as I love him. He is baby gold. 

One Week of Crosby

Our littlest Lincoln has been with us for one whole week already! We're just loving every single second of this little nugget.



He's super mellow. I totally thought he'd be feisty, but nope. Totally chill. I've always said this child would surprise us forever (from conception on!) and he's proving me right.



He sleeps in 3 hour chunks and we often even have to wake him up to nurse him at night. He's a champion eater and has already surpassed his birth weight in his first week. He still looks teeny tiny to me though, thank goodness!



We couldn't leave the hospital for awhile because he was refusing to pee and now he's peed on us more than we can count. And our sheets. And his clothes. And our couch. Basically, the kid has definitely figured out how to pee.



Maxton and Bennett have adjusted so far beautifully! They love to hold him and are always asking if Crosby will be with us. They want him to come everywhere with them! Max even asked to have Cros sleep with him so he could "snuggle him all up". These boys are my life. I adore each and every one of them.



While we've enjoyed our easy going baby to the fullest, we've also been on an emotional ride this week. In the hospital, we were told that Crosby had a heart murmur. We were told this is SUPER common and it's probably nothing and would go away on its own. Our pediatrician listened to it and said the same thing, but still wanted us to have a cardiologist listen to be sure. We saw the cardiologist on Wednesday and they thoroughly checked out his little heart just to be sure it was nothing to be concerned with. It turns out it was. Crosby has something called Aortic Valve Stenosis. I would try to explain it, but that would be ridiculous because I'm still learning all about it. Essentially, for now, his heart if functioning wonderfully. That will not always be the case. We have to keep a close eye on his heart and he will eventually need surgery to repair or replace his aortic valve. We're not sure when or how he will be affected yet. We're told that people live full, long wonderful lives with this disease. Of course, we were devastated and it's sort of flipped our little world upside down. We're trying to do minimal research so as not to get too freaked out and we're just focusing on what we need to do for Crosby right now. Which is make sure he's eating well (sometimes babies with this disease have a hard time gaining weight - so far Crosby is not) and is loved by us (duh). He'll see the cardiologist every couple of months and we should know more about his particular condition over the next 6-12 months.



Unexpected heart condition aside, we're hanging in there. I'm emotional and I'm exhausted (despite the good sleeping infant!) We've had to modify our adoption timeline significantly based on Crosby's needs, so we've been dealing a bit with the logistics of that. And I know that as each cardio appointment approaches, I'll be panicked. But, I'll figure out how to be strong for my son. I'm sure soon I'll know more about Aortic Valve Stenosis than I even need to and I'll know Crosby's mannerisms so well that I'll be able to spot a symptom a mile away.



In the meantime, we're just loving our kid. Ritchie and I agree that there's a spark to his eyes. This kid is special.



We couldn't love you more, Crosby! This past week has been one of the best in my life getting to know you! Thanks for sneaking into our lives and hearts. I'm SO glad you did.

Crosby's Birth Story

Crosby's birth story, with a little name story thrown in the mix, is long and filled with little details that I want to remember forever. Pardon the length and pictures of my hugeness. This is his story... 

I was due on March 13. However, from the beginning there was a question as to whether I was actually due then or the 20th or somewhere in between. Anyway, according to my original due date, I was 42 weeks and 1 day when I went in to get this show on the road. I wasn't thrilled with being induced and I was very leery of medical interventions. But, I agreed to show up bright and early at 6 a.m. and discuss my options for induction.

We showed up at ten minutes to six and they let us know they needed to clean the room and we'd be taken back to our room shortly. Over 30 minutes later, I was super antsy and frustrated that I wasn't even admitted yet! They brought us back shortly after that. We were in room 602.



They hooked me up because they wanted to do monitoring to make sure everything was looking good with the baby and see if I was in labor already. Around 7 a.m. the midwife who I had scheduled the induction with and really trusted did an exam. She explained to me that his head was dropping just a bit far forward on my pelvic bone rather than on my cervix. I was still considered a tight 2 and 50% effaced. So... no change all week. But, at least I knew why. She didn't want to break my water without him in the correct position, so she offered me the option of misoprostol, a medication that helps to soften the cervix and slightly dilate or a catheter with a bulb that is inserted and is supposed to help you dilate to about 4 cm. We were left with those options with some time to decide since they needed to continue monitoring.



I got on the birth ball and tried to move him into position on my own.

The midwife who would actually deliver me, Jennifer, came in around 8:10 to talk to me more about how I wanted to proceed. I was originally thinking I wanted to avoid all medications, therefore I'd go with the catheter method. However, Jennifer explained to me that they often send people home with the catheter in place and have them return 12-24 hours later to see how they had progressed. I couldn't fathom waiting any longer at that point. I was there, I was mentally committed, I needed to just have this baby today. So, I opted for the misoprostol. They would give it 4 hours to work its magic and then we'd see where to go from there. She inserted it around 8:45 a.m. and said that I was 2.5 cm and 75% effaced.


My birth team was, of course, Ritchie, but also Kim, one of my closest friends.

About 15 minutes after they put the medicine in, I began having regular contractions - 3-5 min apart that were totally manageable. I would breathe a bit, but could still talk and laugh and continue our name search. Through the 4 hours we mostly just looked for baby names.



We played around writing names on the board seeing how they looked. About a week prior, we had completely ruled out Finnley. I had started having concerns weeks prior about the name Finnley being too feminine and I kept coming across little girls named Finnley everywhere. Then Ritchie and I kept hearing "Ben" when we'd say "Finn" or vice versa and at one point Ritchie looked at me and said, "Are we seriously going to do this our whole lives?" The answer was no. No, we were not.

He was Samson for a few days after that, but Ritchie couldn't stop saying, "Sampson" the way they say it in the movie Half Baked and just couldn't get on board. We really tried to come up with something that we LOVED that followed our rules, but ultimately we loved the name Crosby (it was just randomly thrown out there along with Foster, Sawyer and Tucker) and therefore we decided to just get over the whole rule thing and pick a name we loved. It was pretty liberating actually. We continued to discuss names up until really active labor and the only other one we came up with was Tytus, but Ritchie just didn't love it... Dragon made the cut for awhile though. We'll call him Cros, so he'll have a nickname, but it definitely doesn't fit our rules, and I guess that's just fine!

At 1:45, Jennifer came back in to see what the medicine had done for me. I was 3 cm at 90% effaced and he had dropped beautifully into the right position! She asked me if she could just "massage" my cervix some to see if that might stimulate more of a steady labor pattern. She stretched me to 4 cm by doing that and then left me to labor for awhile.



By 2:10 the contractions were getting longer and stronger. I had to lean against Ritchie or Kim and have my butt and upper legs massaged through them. Some time before 3pm, Jennifer came back in to see how things were progressing. It was obvious at that point that I was in active labor and she felt like she could just let me keep going without breaking my water or doing anything else. I decided I wanted to get in the tub. The contractions were feeling much more intense.



At 3:30 I got out of the tub. I loved the water for the contractions, but my legs and feet kept cramping because of the position I had to be in. I got out and began leaning against Ritchie and bending forward in low, long moans. I got a lot of breaks in between contractions. I'd often have a weak one, then a 3 min break and then a really strong one. I was still talking in between contractions, but I had gone from making jokes and really holding conversations to asking my midwife (who hung out in there with us for awhile) questions about "how much longer" and "is this normal?" and the occasional, "this is bullshit!" I kept looking at the clock. I was SO pissed that it was taking longer than an hour. When you shoot your second kid out in an hour and a half, you get pretty pissed that you needed to be induced and now it's taking what feels like FOREVER to get to the pushing part for your 3rd.


Do you see my nurse and midwife laughing in the background there? I love this picture for that reason. This was maybe 1 hour before he was born? They were hanging and making jokes and encouraged Kim to take a pic of my belly. It's stretch marked and large and I certainly don't feel "beautiful" looking at it, but it IS beautiful. It's holding life. I'm so glad I have this picture. Kimberly took all of these pictures and I treasure them all.

My midwife was so amazing. She was so encouraging. I definitely questioned my ability to continue on with a natural delivery. I kept asking if I should just get the epidural. She kept insisting that I could do it, that I was doing wonderfully. Everyone insisted on that, in fact. My support that day was incredible. I highly suggest that anyone who wants a natural labor have a strong support system in place.

Things get fuzzy for me at this point. I know I eventually moved over to the bed to be checked - that was shortly after 5pm. I was 8 cm. I felt really, really defeated at that point. I hadn't even been through transition yet? I was REALLY not sure I was going to make it. My midwife suggested breaking my water at that point because she thought it would make it all faster for me, but I kept wavering. Mostly because I knew it would be more intense, but also because I wanted to try to keep things as natural as possible. She ended up having to run out of the room before I could say yes, so my water stayed in tact for the time being. Because I had just been checked, I was laying down in the bed and because I was in transition, I refused to move. So, I laid there and pretty much bitched and moaned through every. single. contraction. I BEGGED the nurse for an epidural at that point. Whiny, whimpering words while I looked deep into her eyes, begging her to save me from this pain. I didn't look at Ritchie or Kim, just the nurse. I knew she had the power. I also knew it was too late. I didn't have an IV, so they would have had to administer an IV, give me fluids and get the anesthesiologist into the room. The baby would be here by then. But, oh, I wanted it. Of course, I'm very glad I didn't get it, but I'm telling you all of this because I think it's assumed that if you choose to have a natural child birth that you are "strong" and whatever else. I think it's VERY common for women to "cave" and request an epidural even though they really don't want one.


This is what transition looked like. It sounded VERY loud. Think a tarzan like cry... that's what my noises reminded me of.

I had a few (5 maybe?) contractions in the bed like that before the midwife came back and I started yelling things like "PRESSURE!!!" and Kim snapped this picture of the clock when I started pushing:


5:27 pm

The midwife apparently said (according to Kim) "Let's just see what happens" with my pushing. And 2 very loud and very painful pushes later and he was out. He was born at 5:29 pm. Those two minutes were SO insanely intense. I can't describe it. With Ben, I felt him very slowly emerge. Crosby sort of catapulted out of me it felt like.


He was handed straight to me.





And I immediately fell in love. That's never happened with me. I've written before about how I fall in love with my babies over time. It was different this time. I was overcome with love and really couldn't stop looking at him. He was very blue and I really wanted him to pink up and cry because I couldn't stand the thought of them having to take him. They let him stay with me and he did get pink and start crying and was just... perfect.


My first time nursing him.


I eventually let Ritchie hold him :) What a proud dad he is. We have a picture with a smile similar to this with him holding each of the boys on the day they were born. I'm going to frame all 3 of them together one day. I'm in awe of this man and the dad and husband he is. I love him more and more with each child we have together.



After an hour they weighed and measured him and we got all ready to go to our recovery room and rest.

I felt so amazing afterwards. I was SO insanely happy that I had achieved a natural hospital birth with no drugs and minimal intervention. For an induction, I was really pleased. The nurses and midwife were all so supportive and I was able to birth the way that I believe is right for me and my babies. And THAT is what the experience should be.

And, Crosby? Our little surprise, in SO many ways. We're just all so in love with him. He's special, this one. I couldn't be happier that our family planning didn't work out the way we intended and that he's a part of our family. He belongs with us. Our littlest Lincoln.

Crosby Robert Lincoln 

March 28, 2014

5:29 PM

7 pounds 12 ounces 

20.5 inches long